


No, Of Course Not

by thepoeticflower



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Coda, M/M, Such a short little fic but the angst was killing me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-09
Updated: 2017-08-09
Packaged: 2018-12-13 01:16:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11749077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thepoeticflower/pseuds/thepoeticflower
Summary: Once the wards are placed up around New York City and his warlock friends have cleared out of the loft, Magnus reflects.





	No, Of Course Not

The loft basked in the soft glow of the moon as the stillness and silence unsettled the sole occupant. The urge to play a record, preferably some long-forgotten hit of a previous era, passed as the gentle clink of ice in his empty glass broke his trance-like stare out the balcony doors. 

Magnus staggered over to his drink cart, seeking out a refill he should’t, but he needed a different sort of numbness. One that wasn’t so restrictive like the one caused by his heartache. 

Did he regret his decision? No, of course not. As a centuries old warlock, he had witnessed too many of his people fall at the hands of the Shadowhunters. The pain of losing people didn’t fade over time; their faces haunted him regularly. What ifs invaded every part of his mind: what if he had stopped whoever killed them, what if he had given his life for theirs, what if he hadn’t opened his heart and let them in the first place. Magnus closed his eyes, a throb of ache settling deeper into his chest. He couldn’t change how his heart let people in, how he took them under his wing because he too had been lost, facing such great adversity. He wouldn’t let another one of his _children_ fall because of the Shadowhunters. Taking a seat on his couch, the photobooth picture strip stared up at him from the table causing his heart to flip uncomfortably in his chest. He couldn’t remember bringing it in there, but there it was.

 _They were so fucking happy._ Free to be just Alec and Magnus instead of two leaders finding themselves in a difficult political position. It had only been mere weeks since those photos were taken, but it felt like a lifetime. How he had hoped Alexander would be different than all of the Shadowhunters before him, honorable enough to keep his promises instead of lying to lure them all into a false state of compliancy. He downed his drink before setting the glass down with a little too much force.

Alec was his first Shadowhunter and Magnus realized that was for a good reason. All Shadowhunters were the same, were they not? Too concerned with the survival of their own kind instead of those they are sworn to protect. 

His eyes caught a glimpse of the photos on the table again. The one of Alec looking at him adoringly held his attention before he looked down, his eyes growing a bit wet.

Where so many Shadowhunters looked at him with disgust and disdain, Alec’s eyes always shone brightly, encapsulating all of the things he felt for Magnus. Alexander never treated him like he was beneath him, never treated him like anything but an equal. Yes, he had those moments where he regressed into those behaviors that all Shadowhunters had drilled into them from birth, but he apologized and learned from his mistakes. Magnus’s hand slid into the inner pocket of his jacket, pulling out his omamori and wrapping his fingers around it. Pressing his hand to his chest, Alec’s words washed over him.  _‘It’s supposed to bring you luck and protection.’_ If he didn’t care, if he was truly like the rest of them, why would he even bother with such a gesture? Or was it just a ploy? Magnus shook his head, trying to rid his head of such ugly thoughts. While a Shadowhunter to his core, through and through, Magnus _knew_  deep down under the hurt, under the betrayal, that Alexander didn’t have the capacity to be that despicable. 

Did he regret his decision? No, of course not. He had to protect his people, he had to be the leader they needed during such a time with an elevated sense of danger. His happiness, their relationship, it needed to take a backseat because he needed to be objective in order to save his people. And he couldn’t do that with Alexander around. He couldn’t be politically savvy when his heart was being pulled in two different directions. As much as he wanted to ignore it all and stay in the bubble they had been building around the two of them, he couldn’t. Ignorance wasn’t bliss when he thought about Madzie, Catarina, Raphael, and countless others who he truly cared for, who he would give his life for to protect. 

His mind flickered to Alexander, the first person he had opened his heart to romantically in nearly a century. Months ago, when all of this started and Valentine began hunting down Warlocks, his words to Dorothea came back to him. _‘Are you really going to risk your life for a Shadowhunter?’_ He laughed humorlessly to himself, the mania of it echoing in his ears. He already knew the answer to that question without a second’s hesitation.

He placed the omamori back into his pocket before heading back to the balcony doors. He just hoped if it ever came down to saving Alec’s life, the token of Alec’s love that he always kept close to his heart would hold up its end of the bargain to protect him so they could both make it out alive.

But if it didn’t, would he regret his decision? No, of course not. 

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize for the angst. And if Magnus's characterization isn't on point. I generally stick to Alec's POV. 
> 
> Come talk to me on [my tumblr](http://asexualalexanderlightwood.tumblr.com).


End file.
